ROANOKE, VA — In a bold move city officials are calling “innovative,” “visionary,” and “legally very complicated,” the City of Roanoke announced Tuesday it has sold Carvins Cove Reservoir to Google for the exclusive use of a new data center in neighboring Botetourt County.
The deal, approved unanimously after a four-minute PowerPoint presentation and a free box of donuts, will grant Google full rights to the 12-billion-gallon reservoir, which has historically been used to provide drinking water to the region.
Mayor Sherman Cobb praised the agreement at a press conference held conspicuously far from any fountains. “Look, Roanoke has always been a forward-thinking city,” Cobb said while sipping what appeared to be a single, precious bottle of water. “And frankly, water is just sitting there doing nothing. Now it’ll be cooling servers that store Gmail accounts from 2009. That’s economic development.”
According to city officials, Google’s data center will consume approximately “all of the water,” a figure the company described as “fluid.”
Residents were assured that alternative hydration options would be explored, including rain, vibes, and “just cutting back a little.” Google CEO Sundar Pichai expressed no regrets. “At Google, we believe in organizing the world’s information,” Pichai said in a statement. “And sometimes that requires draining a scenic reservoir in Southwest Virginia. Progress demands sacrifice, and luckily, it’s not our sacrifice.”
When asked if the company felt any responsibility to local residents, Pichai laughed gently for several seconds before responding, “No.”
The city says the sale will bring jobs, though officials confirmed most positions involve “looking at the building from the outside.” In exchange, Roanoke will receive a one-time payment, a commemorative Google water bottle (non-refillable), and the honor of being mentioned in a sustainability report footnote.
As the reservoir is gradually rerouted through miles of stainless-steel pipes, Mayor Cobb remained optimistic. “Worst case scenario,” he said, “we’ll finally become the dry city everyone already thinks we are.”